Joke 1

This will be my only post today... not because I don't have anything else to say (I've got lots of lists to unleash on the Natemare-reading public in the next few weeks), but because this post is so important I need it to stick with all of you for at least 24 hours.

*starts stopwatch*

I was out with two groups of friends last night - having a few drinks, chatting, drinking, the whole nine yards. By both groups, I was reminded of this joke that has become my trademark for that special hour at the end of parties when everyone is thoroughly drunk and easy to get laughing.

The reason I'm about to tell you this joke is because it really is THAT good. What I'm about to tell you is so legendary, so shocking, so fantastic, so epic, that you will more than likely cream your pants in anticipation of the punchline.

This joke has been a tradition for years...

...and you should be honored that I'm about to tell you...

...what I call...

...The Clown Joke.

Joke 1: The Clown Joke
There was a man who worked in an average office building on the east coast of the United States. He was an average man, with an average apartment, and average car, and average clothes. All in all, he didn't stand out in either a good or bad way. However, he did have one problem: shyness. And the most potent target of his shyness was the boss's assistant.

Talk about PHE-nominal. She was beautiful, gorgeous, breath-taking... 6 feet tall, FANTASTIC body, red hair, green eyes. Perfect in every way.

And he just could NOT talk to her. Every time he needed to see the boss, he sweated profusely. He stammered. He stumbled. Once, he needed to schedule a meeting with the boss... and proceeded to spill his coffee all over her. Basically, when she was around, he was an disaster of epic proportions. And he was sooo taken with her.

And he let his friends know. And their responses were always the same: "Hey man, you're just going to have learn how to chill!" "Dude, you're just going to have to talk to her!" "Dude, she's not dating at the moment, this is your chance!"

And finally, he decided that they were right.

But how? He wanted to just ask her on a date, and he wanted to make it good. He spent an entire weekend just thinking about how and where to ask her out... to the movies? No, too cliched. Dinner? No, his elbows and wine didn't mix. He was about to give up hope when he saw the ad in the local paper:

"Smith and Smith Circus in town! Saturday, May 29! Be there!"

PERFECT! It was a perfect place... not too romantic where his nerves would get the best of him, and yet they would be able to talk and enjoy each others company (if it worked out, of course). Sunday night - he resolved that the following morning would be his day... his validation... the time when he would ask her out... and become a MAN.

Monday morning. Office. Sitting in his desk. Hands shaking. But this is it, he's going to do it. So he stands up, and begins walking to the boss's assistant's desk.... and turns right around and plummets into his chair. He just can't do it... and he tries again and again on Monday, to no avail. Tuesday rolls by, same story. Wednesday. Thursday.

Friday. He had one day left... and he knew it was then, or never...

So he walked towards her desk again. Slowly. Surely. Shakily, but he was doing it...

And he said: "Hi, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but I was wondering if you were free this weekend?"

The boss's assistant looked up at the man and with a slow smile said, "sure, why do you ask?"

His nerves were rocked with promise, but he continued, "I was wondering... umm, if... I mean, if you aren't doing anything else... would you like to go to the circus with me?"

With a friendly laugh and with a touch on his arm, she replied "Finally! I was wondering when you were going to ask me out! I was going to go anyway as I've loved the circus since I was a kid, but it will be more fun with company."

Total elation! They set up the time and place, and then the man literally skipped his way through the rest of the day, evening, and following morning.

Saturday evening. He picked her up at her place... and she was absolutely stunning. Beautiful as always. They drove to the circus. Fun stuff everywhere... food, fun, music, magic, everything you could possibly want. A trumpet sounded, and everyone went to the big tent. Everything was in there - animal tricks, people performing feats of strength and agility, everything. And another trumpet sounded, and a little car races into the center ring. And out pours all of these little clowns doing stunts, running around, acting crazy.

But the last clown was huge... walking on tall stilts, the clown sauntered around the ring, looking for someone. And when the clown spots the man, he sees a nervous person he can humiliate. So he walks over in front of the stands, and the clown asks the man: "Sir, are you a horse?" In a shakey voice, the man said: "No, no I'm not."

Clown looks around, and then asks him: "Sir, are you an ass?" Again, the man said shakily, unsure of what's to follow: "No, no I'm not."

The clown looked around at the quiet tent, turned to the man, and said: "Then sir, you must be - a horse's ass."

Pandemonium. The tent roared into laughter... and the man was SO embarrassed, he fled the tent, got into his car, and drove away... all the way, in fact, to California.

A year passed. The man got a new job, a new house... and a new attitude. He learned how to stick up for himself, picked up drinking... and smoking... and got a new Harley to ride on. He became, for once in his life, COOL.

But he still had an enemy. THAT CLOWN. So he checked the schedule of the Smith and Smith Circus. And timed it. And he rode his bike back to the East Coast. And on Friday, he stormed into his former office. Walked up to the boss's assistant, who he hadn't seen since the circus, and said: "Tomorrow. Date. The circus. I'll pick you up at 6." Stunned by the obvious change and new confidence the man carried, she replied yes.

So he picks her up on his Harley... and they race to the circus. Again, fun stuff everywhere... food, fun, music, magic, everything you could possibly want. A trumpet sounded, and everyone went to the big tent. Everything was in there - animal tricks, people performing feats of strength and agility, everything. And another trumpet sounded, and a little car races into the center ring. And out pours all of these little clowns doing stunts, running around, acting crazy.

But the last clown was huge... walking on tall stilts, the clown sauntered around the ring, looking for someone. And when the clown spots the man, his old victim, he lets out a laugh. It's time for more humiliation.

The clown asks the man: "Sir, are you a horse?" In a firm voice, the man said: "No."

Clown looks around, and then asks him: "Sir, are you an ass?" Again, the man said firmly: "NO."

The clown looked around at the quiet tent, turned to the man, and said: "Then sir, you must be - a horse's ass."

Again, the tent laughed.... but the man just took out a cigarette and lighter...

...the man stood up...

...lit his cigarette...

...stared the clown right in the eyes...

...and said:

"Fuck you, clown!"

...

...

*Natemare quietly leaves the room, avoiding the rotten tomatoes on his way...*